Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
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There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
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I have fence marks all over my body
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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