I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
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