i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
