Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
