Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I think I just sharted jello shots
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
