Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
