I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
