Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
