I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
