Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
