Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
