some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
