My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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