Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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