Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
