I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
