i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
