Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You left your phone here
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