My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
