I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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