i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
