He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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