I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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