Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
