I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
