You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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