Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
