It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Pants 0. Shit 1.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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