dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
