someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
