She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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