Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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