clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
