I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
