i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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