what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
