turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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