just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
