Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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