So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
