It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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