Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
