I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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