went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
