butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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