I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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