Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
