Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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