I accidentally burped into my bong.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
sex in a hospital.. check
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
