Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
