I just made out with a guy for $7.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize