I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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