My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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