yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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