I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
