you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
